This past week at work was the most challenging, unpredictable and emotionally draining yet. Every week, or even every day, something happens that makes my mind boggle and I think that the scale of ridiculousness can't be tipped any further. But there's always something else. Another contradiction, another misunderstanding, another rumour. I am not used to not being able to trust the people I work with. It's something I'm told I will learn to handle, but the mere thought of having to play along while being lied to and gossiped about fills me with dread.
That said, I still mean it when I say that I love my job. It's just another one of those pesky contradictions. The kids I teach are wonderful and every day I am reminded by their energy and their innocence that I am doing it for them, because they deserve a better education. And I love how much I am learning by being here. Having a BA and an MA is all well and good, but what I learn here means so much more to me. I learn how to be. I learn about cultural differences. I learn about friendship and deceit. I observe how wonderful and loving humans can be, as well as how dishonest and selfish some people really are. It's not easy. It's confusing and tiring but I thank God every day for all of it, for every second that I can be here and grow.
I've got the back to work blues after a week's holiday. After one hour back at work, I'd counted how many work days are left this year; approximately 87. I know that's actually not much, but right now it feels like a death sentence. I have no motivation to plan for teaching 60 students, or to prepare seminars for 30 teachers, mainly because no-one cares what I'm doing here, or knows how much work goes into creating a course for teachers who get paid so little for the job they do that most of them (quite rightly to be fair) put professional development very low on their list of priorities. I realise I sound like a grumpy child. That's what arriving at work to find that my desk had been moved did to me. My back is to the window (a window to the hallway), exactly where I didn't want to be, and the previous teacher's junk has been left in a dusty pile on the floor for me to clean up. If only it was that simple... Wanna know what else is annoyi...
I don't know if this happens in your home country, but here in Indonesia, "non-job matters" consume the energy that should be focused for work.
ReplyDeleteBut as you write, this is a good experience for you. Not everyone have the same opportunity as yours.
Good luck and keep the spirit.
*Life is not about a smooth-straight road, it is curvy and bumpy one*