free to go

A few months ago I was longing to leave Germany. Although that desire clearly had something to do with ending an eight-year relationship, it also had a lot to do with the weather! I was just daydreaming of beaches, picturing myself backpacking around NZ, pulling pints and picking fruit. It was fun to imagine the possibilities, but in reality I couldn’t afford to go anywhere for a while, so I figured I’d just stay put and save some pennies while grumbling my way through another cold dark wet winter in Bonn.

I felt positive however, that there was something waiting for me, something I was destined to see or do. All my daydreams seemed unrealistic and I felt like I was being laughed at, as though something bigger than me and my tiny perspective was at work behind the scenes, smirking at me and my clichéd thoughts of escape. When I accepted the job in Batam it felt good. Unlike my previous daydreams, teaching in Indonesia had a weight to it, a purpose and a direction. I don’t know what I’m letting myself in for, and I don’t know how it will all unfold, but that’s how it’s supposed to be.

My mental state in preparing to leave is mainly extremely positive. I am excited and I am free and I am clueless :D Of course, I also experience moments of doubt and panic, of “what the hell am I doing?” but that’s normal. It never takes long for the excitement to return because I know that however unreal it feels right now, it’s really happening: in 19 days I’ll be on my way to…to finding out what I’m on my way to!

New Horizons by David Gray